Cuban Black Beans

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Ingredients

*Sweet onions
*Peppers
*ALL THE FUCKING GARLIC
*Canned black beans, undrained - about 1.5X volume of onions and peppers
*White wine
*Goya Sazon
*Cumin
*Oregano
*Bay leaves
*Lime (at the end)
*Hot sauce/something spicy

Oh my friend, it's called Cuban Black Beans. REAL Cuban black beans, not that shit they serve in restaurants.

You get a lot of diced sweet onions and peppers (red is best balance of sweetness to price) and you cook them over medium heat in a lot of olive oil. How much olive oil? Say you have one big onion and two decent sized peppers, then I say at least a half a cup. Once the onions are softening up, you add garlic. How much garlic? ALL THE FUCKING GARLIC.

Then you cool it down with some white wine (not too sweet, something middling). Let it steam off for a minute. What you're doing is killing the rest of that raw garlic taste and letting the alcohol in the wine bring out the rest of the flavors.

Then you add black beans. I use canned, un-drained straight beans (don't get the kind that's labeled "black bean soup"). Some will tell you canned isn't as good. I say bullshit. I use one and a half times as much by volume as I have of the onion/pepper/garlic mixture.

Simmer the beans for a bit, low-medium. Then you will add an ounce of ground cumin, a shot glass' worth of oregano, and a packet or three of Goya Sazon (if you don't know what that is, look in the Mexican/Spanish/Ethnic section and look for little boxes that say Goya). If you want to be a boss, add three or four bay leaves, but don't forget to pull them out later — no one wants to eat a bay leaf. Mix it in well.
Either move it to a crock pot or put it in a 225* oven. Check it every once in a while — you want the beans to be soft. You do not want this to burn, so scrape the bottom. I'd sooner eat your shit than burnt black beans, and so would you.

Now after a few hours taste it. More flavor? Add more cumin and Goya. Needs a kick? Add some lime. You know what? FUCK YOU, ADD LIME ANYWAY.

Traditionally, this is served over rice. FUCK THAT. I serve it in a bowl. Maybe throw some shredded pork on that bitch. FUCK ME.

If you use enough onions, peppers, and wine, these will be surprisingly sweet. (My Abuelita accused me of adding sugar, that bitch.) The beans, cumin, and oregano will give it a rich, earthy flavor. Goya is just magic. And the wine and lime will give just a hint of tartness. The beans, slow-cooked, are almost meaty (in a braised meat sort of way, not in a fuck-yeah-cow-meat kind of way). Once they cool down a bit, it will have a thicker texture, so let it sit for a little bit.

Best? Eat it the next day after reheating. We make this in a four gallon vessel and gorge for a week.

Now let's say you're having a party. You will get a bunch of dried peppers, chop them fine, and soak them in that wine (simmer it!). And you will add this goodness to the mix after the saute stage, so they soften and diffuse. And maybe some Sirracha, but only if you want to guarantee getting laid that night. Dip your immersion blender in there for a little bit — get it half blended. Then you'll let it cool. And you will dip chips into that motherfucker and you will come back and thank me.

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